I'm a short cut taking motherfucker, in fact, I can honestly say that everything I do is in someway based on finding a quicker and less strenuous route. Whether it be getting dinner or programming drums, I'm always in search of the easiest possible solution. I'm a simple man. I like things to fall into my lap. If they don't, I kind of hope they're fall close enough to my lap that I can reach them from my couch... 

Over the course of the 30 plus years I've been alive I've been like this and it's worked both for me and against me. The best example of this would be my education, shortcuts helped me graduate high school. Without the help of short cuts such as "cheating" I would never have even made it past the 10th grade. I can even go back to a fifth grade aptitude test I took, it's was called the ERB's (or something like that). Anyway, I happened to be sitting next to a one of the nerdier kids while taking the test and I took this as an invitation to copy his test. A month or so later, my teacher pulls me into her office to talk to me, I assumed it was the typical "you're a lazy piece of shit" kinda talk but I was very wrong.... No, she dragged me in to tell me that I had scored through the roof on my ERB test and how proud she was.

Score one for shortcuts!

Granted, this test meant nothing and my grades still sucked but it did help in planting a seed of "perhaps he's an underachieving genius" in their heads, as opposed to the "he's lazy AND stupid" seed that had been there prior to that ERB test. This type of cheating (or "learning" as I like to call it) continued pretty much till I graduated high school.

The one time it did fail me was when I took the SAT's. It was pretty much impossible to cheat on that test, so, I just took it. Needless to say, I got the kind of score that MAY have helped me get into a good school if I was a dirt poor, star athlete with possible endorsement deals in front of me. Think "Ricky" in "Boyz in the Hood". The funny shit is that , even with no one to cheat from, I still shortcutted the shit out of that test. I think there was a math section I finished in 6 minutes. Did I double check it? Of course not. I had about a half an hour of free time after finishing to think about things like "tits" and "rap", Double checking wasn't high on my to do list.

Somehow, I got into a college and that's when all the shortcuts pretty much ended. I learned you can only bullshit so much before it catches up to you. I dropped out after a year and that was petty much that. I will say this though, my finest moment ever in my entire education was the time I plagiarized a Source Magazine article and got an A. I was taking a "Gangs in America" sociology course and I wrote a paper about graffiti gangs which was all based around an "interview" I did with a "real" graf writer. His harrowing tales of the rough and tumble life of an NYC graffiti writer were not only moving but insightful. "He" was also a made up person. I pretty much just took an article The Source had about graffiti beefs, changed some words, and made it seem like I had actually spoken to this non existent guy. I even threw in a few stabbings and arrests to spice it up a little. My teacher loved it and everyone was happy.

Score a big one for short cuts.

That long winded explanation really just brings me to this: SOMETIMES short cuts simply don't work. Trust me, I've tried everything when it comes to short cuts (of all kinds) and there's often just no way around it then actually working hard...and what is the king of all things that people seek shortcuts for?

LOSING WEIGHT

There is nothing on this planet that has garnered more bullshit then losing weight. People will try anything to drop 10 pounds...anything, except for actually doing it the hard way. I love when people buy into these cockamamie weight loss ideas. Sure, not eating will take off some pounds, but if you really wanna lose weight you gotta eat less AND exercise. Some people would rather chop their fucking legs off to lose weight then actually bite the bullet and exercise.All that body purifying bullshit where you drink lemon juice ,quinine and paprika (or something like that) for two weeks is bullshit. It may help something (I kinda doubt it though) but it won't take any weight off.

There are very few people I know who don't bug out over their weight, especially the people past 30 years old. But listen, if that fat douche Jared from Subway can do it, I don't see why anyone else can't. He did it eating fucking sandwiches! His secret? Aside from plowing through the blandest selections Subway has to offer, I bet he ran his ass off and stopped eating late at night. Perhaps he stopped drinking alcohol. It's usually a mixture of easy shit like that and exercise. All those "lose weight fast" plans are pretty much equivalent to those pills that supposedly make your dick bigger.

If they really worked, you'd hear about it on a larger scale.

Keep in mind, I'm still a shortcut taking asshole. I don't ever go to the gym and basketball is really the only exercise (aside from sex and walking) that I get. But I'm also not thin...and I don't think I ever could be. I've never been thin, it's not in the cards. I'm not fat either but, at some point, fat is 100% in the cards for me. If it wasn't for the fact that I actually love playing basketball and I'm vain, I'd never exercise.

If you're lazy like me, I think the secret of weight is maintenance. Find a decent size and maintain it. no lazy person will ever be THAT fit. If you're fit, chances are you're truly not lazy or you have that super human metabolism that makes fat people wanna murder you. Take it from me, I' m 200ish pounds of pure short cut taking bum ass.

On a side note about Jared Fogel from the Subway commercials...it's been like 8 years and his upside down vagina mouth is still on tv selling unhealthy health food. The whole concept of losing wieght by only eating fast food is pretty insane. If you're so dedicated to it why not just eat normal food that's good for you? Man, I bet he'd kill to taste mayo...he's been eating those dry ass subway health subs forever. I bet he'd suck a dick in exchange for the ability to eat endless mayo and never gain weight...actually, I bet he'd suck a dick in exchange for a high five and a reach around...

fuck that guy.