Once again, it’s time to drop a few nuggets of knowledge, wisdoms, and/or understandings for you, the loyal reader, to soak up in order to become a bit more like me—which, as we all know, is the goal of all messianic leaders/advice columnists. But first, I would like to address something that has been eating away at my brain, and I’m not talking about the untreated syphilis:
....since our first installment of Dear Alasky, there has been a rash of rappers starting their own advice columns, trying to ride the wave of my success. Yes, I’m looking at you, Blueprint and Despot.  
Now granted, the rapper advice column industry is big enough for the three of us.  Since the last installment, I’ve made enough money for ramen noodles and a used copy of Hustler. So money’s not the issue. The issue is that I was first and I want credit where credit is due. I’m tired of not getting credit for shit I started. I was the first person in my high school to listen to Faith No More. I was the first person I know to watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I was the first in my peer group to get my period, and now this. It’s not even that I’m bitter, I just want my propers.  

I had the crack staff here at Dear Alasky reach out to Despot for comment, and here is what he had to say: “I was gonna have an advice column first but I was too lazy to answer the questions so Alaska bit me and published his first. Fuck you Alaska you asshole I hate you forever and I'm going to pay someone money to hurt you.”  

Blueprint had his publicist send us this prepared statement: “The only reason you thought of it first was because I've given you so much advice in your life, and you used to always say ‘Print, you should do an a advice column.’ Then you turn around and steal my shine.”

All this reporter can say to such allegations is: “HOW DARE YOU!”

With that let’s get to your questions:

What business advice would you recommend for a brother from another planet like myself, so that I get in where I fit in and blast off to infinity like my destiny keeps telling me to?
Your guidance remains eternally cherished,
sincerely yours,
Mindbender Futurama Supreme of the SBU, Canada's answer to Company Flow, Organized Konfusion and Bad Boys 2 by Jerry Bruckheimer

I opened for you and Glue last year at Sonar in Baltimore MD, when Sage and Lyrics Born canceled. I was wondering what advice you have for someone trying to break into hip-hop and get signed. I've done recordings and show and built a good fan base, but I'm trying like hell to get to that next step.
Thanks
Peter Parker

I’ve lumped these questions together because they are essentially the same question. Really the only advice I can give is this: create your own scene and opportunities. Don’t wait on the bigger artists in the scene to take notice. Fuck them. Truth be told, the chances of them noticing you when opening for them or giving them your CD are slim at best. And it’s not a matter of these artists not appreciating what you are doing, it’s just that most of time they are not in a position to help. Even those that are in such a position have already taken on a stable of artists that they are dedicated to working with. So helping someone that they met once or that they got a CD from is low on their list of priorities, even if your shit is amazing. Any artist I have seen make noise on a national level has done so by creating their own opportunities. I would suggest the following:

1. First and foremost make sure your shit is tight.  

2. Start booking a weekly or monthly show that you are in full control of and host it. This is something that can create a buzz in your city. You should still try to get on other billings, but don’t hang your hat on them. While that’s good for exposure, it does little to create a buzz. If you open for someone bigger, you might make a bit of headway, but more than likely you are going to be seen as the local opening act. When you start to create a scene around yourself, people will take notice. It creates buzz and shows that you have a work ethic and hustle behind the talent.

3. Until you have established yourself as a draw, why not give your music away? Look at it as an investment in yourself. Ten years ago, people were going crazy and buying up everything that came out. Those days are done, the market is over-saturated, and you are dealing with a generation of fans that came up never having to pay for music. In addition, fans have been burnt to many times by artists they aren’t familiar with, so they aren’t so loose with the wallet. Why not let the music be an advertisement for you? Let it help create the excitement around what you are doing. Then sell shirts, sell buttons, and small run orders of CD exclusives. If it helps get you out there, free music is worth it in the long run.

4. It pains me to say it, but the scene is drying up. Just look at the current state of what’s going on with “the raps”: sales are decreasing, tours are harder to come by, and gas prices are making it more difficult to turn a profit through independent touring. So why not say, “Fuck it! I don’t care about making money off my music, I just want to get it out there.” Make the music you love and fuck everything else. That’s what it should be all about anyway. If you find yourself in a position to make a living off it, then that’s a bonus. If not, at least you made the music you wanted and achieved success on your own terms. The best you can hope for is to influence the next generation and open doors for them.  

You really seem to have a way with women Alaska. I’d like to see a general guide to women, relationships and sex.  Also, try to include jelqing.
Thank you,
Bent

Bent, you have come to the right place. Ever since the days of Heavy D, America has held a special place in its heart for the overweight lovers like me. I have recently completed my first book on the ways of the flesh called, Lets Get Romantical – 57 Ways to Get That Special Lady. The book explores such topics as romance, romancing, sentimental shit that ladies like, and the pros and cons of smells. Here are my top five sure-fire ways to get covered in the stink of that very special lady.

5. Get yourself a sweet sports car – Everyone knows that the ladies love a man with a two-seater sports car. I recommend the Honda Del Sol. In addition to being a Honda, which means it’s great on gas, it’s also a convertible. Some might say this car is a bit effeminate, but I say only if you shape your eyebrows.

4. Shape your eyebrows – If I have learned anything studying the alpha set at the mall food court it’s this: outside of spray-on tan, nothing attracts the ladies quite like a perfectly styled brow. I suggest going with one arched and slightly higher than the other so you always look interested. Women love that shit.

3. Alcohol – and lots of it. Women are more likely to say yes when they can’t say no.

2. A cucumber stuffed in your trousers – You could try jelqing, but the jury is still out on the effectiveness of that technique. That’s why I recommend a cucumber. It has the proper girth and length to make even those with the biggest bucket vag swoon. Just try to stay away from the ones that look warty. **

1. Aim low – We all want the smart, beautiful, witty, good-hearted girl, but lets face it: chances are you don’t deserve her. Why not spray on some Drakkar and head down to wherever it is that the high school kids smoke cigarettes after shop class. Not only will you find a girl who isn’t that smart, but she probably has low self esteem. This means she will be more than willing to date an older fellow with a Honda Del Sol, manicured eyebrows, and a huge package who can get her booze. Well at least until she is twenty-one or you get her pregnant, whichever comes first.  
   

Finally, in response to an comment I received from Button Pusher regarding the last installment of

Dear Alasky:

College is fun I would suggest it to everyone. but make sure you go away from where you live to get the full experience. That will ensure you meet people different than you and gain new perspective on how other people live and think. Also college is a great opportunity to learn how to live without or less parental help or control. do your own laundry, make you own dinner, do drugs where you want to and when, etc. It is good for future life experience. Also it is a few years window to meet women on a basis of equality. Yer both in college going thru similar shyt and the economics of the situation are not at all overbearing. Trust me it is the best terrain to really connect on some real shyt in a short amount of time.
Plus most colleges provide a lot of free shyt you would otherwise have to pay for without it. Movies, concerts, speeches by influential people, pool, ping pong, parties, alcohol, drugs etc. It is all included. The teaching/academic side of things are just the price you have to pay for all the dope shyt.
So while Alaska has a point about the academics it is really the smallest part of the experience. Go! You will not regret it.

Dear Button Pusher,

I think you are lying about going to college. Had you really attended college you would know that Shit is spelled with an “I” and not a ”y.” And it’s quite obvious you’re not from Europe and trying to say shite. As we all know, Europeans go to University and not College. Thank you for your time and GOOD DAY SIR!!!!

I hope this was helpful and remember if you have any questions or need advice please shoot me an email at timlaska@yahoo.com