So it looks like America is broke. Luckily for me, I have a marginally lucrative career as a rapper to fall back on. Unfortunately, not everyone in America is as lucky as me, and the rag-tag groups of unemployable merry men whom I run around the country with make enough money for gas, food, and the occasional drink. It’s a good thing I got used to being broke years ago and I have a marketable craft like rapping. I also know how to clean, gut, and cook a fish. So when the Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo starts, I’ll be just fine thank you much.  

Sadly I cannot say the same for all of you working saps that got comfy in your cushy jobs, sitting in your ergonomically correct chairs and putting 15% of your pre-taxable income into your 401K. You might as well have used that money to light oversized novelty cigars. It’s fucked up and I feel for you, shit I used to be one of you. I worked a job that I hated for years, but one day I finally wisened up, said “fuck that shit,” and left. Granted, it was because I can rap better than 95% of the population, but let’s face it: It’s 2008, and just like there is no money in rap there is also no money in being an American.  

Times like this make you nostalgic for the halcyon days of the late 90’s when the dot com bust seemed like the end of the world. American business took that highly successful business model and applied it to things that matter like housing and banking. Thanks to the forward thinking of these innovative business men, we are no longer tied to pesky things like our homes and money.  

So you are probably asking, “What the hell are you talking about, Alasky?” I am suggesting that now is the perfect time for you to live your dreams. What is it that you really want to do with your life? Ever wondered if you could make it in the big leagues? Wish you finished that degree in Native American Women’s Studies? Do you want to start a circus for cats? Have you always secretly wanted to be a performance artist standing on your front lawn, painted silver with sparklers in your pee-hole? Now is the time. Seize the moment. You are surely going to be laid off in the next month or so. A discarded deposit can is worth more than the dollar. Your car, home and high-end electronics will undoubtedly be repossessed by creditors and your life savings has been lost by the banks. What the fuck do you have to lose?

You would be amazed what people will put up with for entertainment while they spend what little money they have left on booze to forget their problems. Now is the time to strike, because problems are at their highest point since 9/11 and our most cherished brew is owned by Germans, which means stronger alcohol content.  

So stop feeling sorry for yourself and live the life you always dreamed about.  

On to the e-mails:

You have just won £500,000 pounds in our Monthly Online Uk Promo,contact Mr. Pinkett with your Name,Address,Phone,Sex,Occupation,Age,Country.Email: mr_pinketgriphin03@yahoo.co.uk

- Mr. Pinkett, Spamlanda, UK

Looks like my money worries are over.

Contact our fiduciary agent for claims with:

Agent Name: Mr. Jones Clark
Tel:+44-703-190-8855
      +44-703-194-2023
Email:mr.jonesclark2@hotmail.com

This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of
£1,000,000 (British Pounds)  held on the 10th of September 2008 in
London Uk.The selection process was carried out through random
selection in our  computerized email selection system(ess) from a
database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from which you were selected.

Fill the below:
1. Name:  2. Address 3. Marital Status: 4. Occupation: 5. Age:
6. Sex: 7. Nationality: 8. Country of Residence: 9. Telephone Number:


Yours Truly,
Mrs. Stella Ellis.
Co-ordinator(Online Promo Programme)

-Stella Ellis, Spamantonio, UK

Talk about a fucking windfall!!!!!!!!!!

 

 Dear Winner,
 Winning Notification
 This is to notify you that you have won £250,000.00 in
 our online email lottery in which e-mail addresses are
 picked randomly by computerised balloting, powered
 by the Internet. Your email address was one of the lucky winners
 in this year bonnanza draw.
 Ref: LSUK/2031/8161/04
 Batch: R3/A312-59
 Winning number: 08.11.21.32.35.42. {47}
 Draw #1055)
 To claim your prize, please contact:
The UKNL Foundation, claims department
Contact Person: Mr.Brender Williams
Contact Email: prizeclaimdept_uklot@hotmail.co.uk
Office Tel :+44 70457 04864
 Name,Full Address,Country,Age,Gender,Occupation,Phone.
 Tell: +44 704 57644 23
 Sincerely,
 Mrs Kimberly M Dulle .
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS SEND YOUR DETAILS TO prizeclaimdept_uklot@hotmail.co.uk  FOR YOUR CLAIMS

-Kimberly M. Dulle, Spamish Harlem, UK

Holy Fuck!  I will never doubt the power of The Secret again!!!!!!

Tim, Do you think I have too much Def Jux Shit or not (Keep in mind I have more shirts and more underground CDs) 

and What do you think what I did to the Weatherman Symbol?

-William Battle, Waterbury, CT

Well, William, considering that I did not see a Hangar 18 shirt or the confirmation for the pre-order of my first solo EP (which has yet to be recorded), I would have to say your collection is still incomplete.  As for the Weatherman symbol, I think you were very creative in you choice of font.  

Readers, I don’t know if you are aware of this but William has been a part of every Dear Alasky since we opened it up to readers. Much like the Cosi Sandwich Shoppe, we offer a rewards program to encourage reader loyalty. If William is featured in just one more Dear Alasky, not only will he get his very own Dear Alasky column in which he gets the privilege of interviewing me, he will also get a medium Iced Coffee. Good job William.  

 I want in on dat dope game'
 
-JT Wilkens, Parts Unknown

Have you learned nothing from watching Boyz N’ the Hood?

Well that’s all for today friends. Remember if you ever need advice or want to send naked pictures, email them to timlaska@yahoo.com. No fatties.